Relationship Repair Kit

I obsess over the thing I can control.. and ignore the things I can't.

C__ and I got into it again last night and I won't delve too deep into it. But it made me look at what we have turned into over the past year. To the rest of the world we're the Normal Rockwell painting of married couple.. But under it all we've become different I look at C__ differently and she doesn't see me the same either. She tells me I don't put forth effort anymore, and I know I do but when you've been with someone for six years you've pretty much used up all of you're really good lines already. So everything you used to say to take her off her feet now is just "the same old line." Saying "I love you" still means "I love you," but the effect is somehow different now, before it made my heart jump and now it's more of a hello. Things are implied at this point, I have duties and she expects things from me and I from her, but it feels like hers are to be done without telling me what they are. We walk away angry with each other and it's ok to have a whole day of "cooling down time." Things where never like this before.. We didn't need cool down time, we didn't even need time apart.. ever. But now it feel good get away sometimes and spread my wings, not stay away but just do my own thing.. And I think C__ gets scared by it, she thinks it means I don't want to spend time with her or don't need her to have a good time.. True I might have a better time working on a project that I know she finds no interest in if she's not there but that's only because I hope she is only out doing the same thing, doing something she likes that maybe I don't find pleasure in.. But she makes it feel like when I'm out she's just sitting at home like a lost puppy until I get back.. So should I feel bad about doing other things then? Is it my fault she won't find passion in things that don't include me?

Obviously how we are on a emotional level is effecting our.... other areas of the relationship as well, so that side of life has also been a little shall we say bland and uneventful. This also creates tension, she tells me it's my fault we are this way too. And that I must be "gettin' it some somewhere." Now I don't know how the rest of the population works, but when I hear that it doesn't exactly "get the juice flowin," if you know what I mean. We're not close and haven't been in.. well I won't go that, but it's been a while now.

I strive to shape myself, while I cannot control my ever changing relationship with C__. I focus on the outside making it strong and as attractive a possible.. It's easy for me now, I just workout and spend a little time in the sun, drop a few pound or pick them up. But I feel I've become more dependent on my workout every-other-day routine due to it's consistency, I know I'll do it, I know I'll push myself, and I'll make the changes to me to get what I want from myself. But it's different with C__ and me. I make changes but I don't see the change I don't feel the change. I'm not in her head, and can't see what she sees. I don't know what she wants to hear when she asks if she's looking good.. If I say "Do I look good" and she says, "yes you look good." This confirms my question and I feel validated for it. But if she asks "do I look good," well that's a whole different ballgame all together, I have to instantly comprise a sonnet just for her, encapsulating all the beauty that is her. The soft supple look of her skin the slight curl of her hair, the gentle song in her voice as she speaks, I could go on, but no, see it's all the same old stuff that has been in books and poems for ages nothing new nothing fresh to bring to the table. So we become bland, and look at what used to be great as mundane or routine living, and loving.

She asks me "How am I going to fix this." Is if, of course I know how to make things right again and I've been keeping the "Rules of a relationship" book all to myself. That and "fixing" something to me tends to mean it's a tangible item ,that I can asses what damage has been done to it and order or craft some kind of replacement part for it. This is different, C__'s trust in me is less because she feels my staying out all night was a way to hurt her and damage what we have. Not that I just got to drunk to make it home, nor call since I was indisposed (passed out) from the time we left P-Riddys house until the next day. Not to mention the last time I checked, Target doesn't carry the you "F'ed up on you relationship repair kit," And they stopped stocking the "trust patch" at least a year ago. So I find myself without a way to "fix" things when she aces me for a corrected course of action.
I'll make it, however things turn out.. It's just strange not knowing how they'll go now. Until yesterday I had never thought about been gone.. being the better option.

Yesterday, everything changed...